Monday, January 25, 2010

No Easy Goodbyes.....

I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.

If I were able to think or even understand this quote from Mother Teresa correctly, then saying Goodbye shouldn't hurt....it should only bring me fond memories and make me wonder with the same fondness about when I am going to see the person next.....and irrespective of how much I try to grow up, Goodbyes are never easy.....true, with days going by, they hurt less and less and I replace tears with happy tears and a grin but it still remains that Goodbyes are never easy......

When 3 of my really close friends had to leave the school since their parents got transferred, I remember how fervently we promised each other that we would regularly write to each other (those were the days of inland letters and greeting cards by post) and how much we tried to spend the last day together and how dull and upset I remained the whole week after they left....but I think at that age (I was 12), it is easier to replace one friend with another and I got through that phase.

The next time I had trouble saying Goodbye was during the school farewell...lots of tears, hugs, autographs, candles (with the Mustafa song in the background)

kalvi payilum kalam varayil thulli thiriyum engal vizhiyil
kaneerai kandadhillai thendral satchi.....
Nanban pirindhu ooru thirumbum nalil mattum dhan neer arumbum
kanneril dhane engal farewell party.....

But the consolation was that most of my friends lived in my neighborhood and so I knew I would always know where to find them if I wanted to. Thanks to yahoogroups, I am in touch with almost all of them.

I assumed then that my college farewell would be as hard too but surprisingly it wasn't. I think there were 2 reasons - technology for one (since we had email addresses of everyone) and age for another; at that age, you make only close friends and you know in your heart that you would somehow stay in touch with them.

Then came my trip to Germany and the excitement of going to another country kept me going until amma said ''ippove unna kalyanam panni kuduthutenu nenachukaren'' (non-tamil readers: my amma said that she was going to assume that I was married and was going away) but the hardest part came when I returned to India for a 6 week vacation after nearly 3 years. I couldn't imagine going back to Germany and all along the way to the airport I was foolishly thinking of ways to get out of it. I was holding up well until my gang of cousins came to see me off and one of them hugged me tightly and said ''take care'', then rose a huge lump in my throat and try as I might, I couldn't stop those tears from appearing at the corner of my eyes and I had to swallow many times before I could stop making a fool of myself (by shedding tears in public) !

On the third day of the wedding (yeah, yeah, I had a 3 day wedding), while we were leaving to Ashok's place, I was feeling queer....I shouldn't have given that my parents live less than 10 km away (and I have lived alone for quite a few years in Germany) and I knew Ashok and his family for a long time before we got married...but I did and finally when appa gave me a hug and I waved ''Goodbye'' from the car (much like in the movies), I burst out sobbing much to everyone's surprise and if I may add, discomfort !

I still cannot make my peace with some airport send-offs (Is that the plural, by the way?!) and some train station send-offs and although I am telling and training myself to remember the happy times and the times to come and the fact that absence makes the heart grow fonder, I cannot let go, I simply cannot......

Oh...well, I am thankful that there are certain people who will always remain in my life, irrespective of the send-offs, the goodbyes...yes, the goodbyes are not easy but I know I don't have to let them go.....and that keeps me going :)

PS: For worried readers, I am not going crazy....am just in one of those moods....I blame ARR and Thamarai for that......melum melum urugi urugi unai enni engum idhayathai enna seiven, unai enni engum idhayathai enna seiven....tugs at my heart everytime.....
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