Some things change....

Happy New Year Readers ! Don't worry it is not one of these new-year-resolution posts. I actually planned to write one last week in a pathetic attempt to bring the number of posts in 2010 to 100 but I decided that I liked '99' (read couldn't come up with any new year resolutions!)

Now think of concentric circles……(Time for a Flashback)

I first met him at a Hindi class. Remember those Rashtra basha, praveshika classes?? God I hated those! Is that anyway to learn Hindi? I attribute all my knowledge in Hindi to Shahrukh and his romantic (or what I thought was romantic as a stupid teenager) movies. Anyway I am digressing. He was a quiet guy always minding his own business and uttering only a few words. I liked him instantly but I was puzzled by his aloofness…until then I had never met an introvert. I slowly started talking to him and even then he would only answer questions and never say anything on his own. He was so shy that even if he saw me somewhere outside he would keep on walking without as much as a smile acknowledging my presence. At first I thought he was rude but then I realized he simply did not interact with anyone unless the other person approached him first.

I gradually learnt that he was a very diligent student at school and was also a good shuttle player. His amma always proudly showed off all the trophies he had won in the various matches. In spite of all this I learnt he hardly had any close friends and very soon it was obvious that I was probably the only one. I realized it was only because of his lack of people skills. So I started bugging him about interacting with people and asked him to follow what I was doing when I met someone. I could see that I was slowly arousing his interest since he was impressed with my network of friends and all the fun we had (well, I didn’t exactly tell him about all the trouble we got into, I figured that information was for later :D).

I was always very fond of him (I still am). He was very innocent and naïve and I always worried that people would take advantage of him. I coaxed him to be more street-smart and although he tried, it never really worked. He was 2 years younger than me, so he pretty much started following me as a mentor and we had lots of good times until I went to college. Hostel life and then coming to Germany made me lose touch with him though I would occasionally get some updates about what he was doing.

I recently found him in one of the social networks and was overjoyed. I learnt that he is not in India anymore and works for a MNC. The first few emails I got from him made me really happy. He asked me to chat with him during one of the weekends and I gladly agreed. There is one thing about catching-up with someone that you haven’t really interacted with for years, it can go both ways and unfortunately this chat went the way I hoped it wouldn’t.

During the first few minutes, he kept talking all the time that I was inordinately pleased that he is not the same introvert he was years ago. But after a while, I realized, he was consciously making himself talk, so it ends up being mind numbingly boring. He was saying the same things again or things that totally were unimportant and he was an extremely poor listener. Very soon, we had run out of things to talk and I realized I was getting both angry and annoyed. I thought to myself that I would have preferred the silent guy to the boring chatter box and it was probably because of me that he has turned into one. Its true that its been years and we have somehow drifted apart and have landed in different wavelengths. The pangs of guilt and my fondness for him made me chat with him a little longer but I knew I was stretching my patience limits and very soon I would snap. Well, that was that...it was the last time I had a chat with him. Since then, I have restricted our contact to occasional emails. I still like him and wish him well but its just not the same !

I have read somewhere that women always assume that they can influence and change a man by caring, the operative word being ‘assume’. I have often seen rogues turning into respectable gentlemen for their women or duds turning into geniuses in movies but have never come across something like that in real life. I understand that it’s not the same situation here but I can’t help but wonder if this is another delusion....

The World or My World ?

Here is a great video from the Devdutt Pattnaik from TED (Ideas worth spreading) talks. It is nearly 20 minutes but completely worth watching because he explains the East Vs West in such a logical (and weirdly thought provoking at the same time) way.

The example he choses to explain the basic difference between the world and my world, his comparison of how business is influenced by mythology and hence the associated behaviour, the Indianness (the yes/no headshake, the usage of mostly/probably - everything that leads to exasperation when foreigners do business with us) are all simply brilliant.

The part I loved was his request at the end - When you meet someone, understand that you have your own subjective truth and so does he/she.....it always comes back to giving others benefit of doubt, doesn't it ?

Thou shall speak only when spoken to

BMJP = big mouthed jobless person, not close family members or friends who are allowed to take liberties (albeit unwelcome at times, still forgivable because of the underlying concern)

Situation 1: A couple who has been married for 5 years have no children. They are attending a wedding.

BMJP 1: Did you go to a fertility clinic? I can give you addresses of a couple of really good ones
BMJP 2: This is what comes out of always working towards money. You should understand that there is nothing more rewarding than having children.
BMJP 3: andha kalathula ellam purusha mattum dhan velai parpa, adhe madhri irundhuta oru prechanayum irundhurukadhu.

My questions to the BMJPs:
How in the world is this your business??
If all you have is concern and if your intentions are (seemingly) noble, is this how you choose to express it? Are you actually brain-dead?
For BMJP 3: Neenga ipdi vettiya irukardhunala dhan ungalukku ipdi ellam kelvi kekanumnu thonardhu, mudhala andha TV serial ellam pakardha niruthi tholaingo ! (There is another blog that completely echoes my thoughts on this subject).

What actually happened:
The girl was 20 when she got married. Her husband, a sensible person, decided that 20 was not an age to have kids and made her opt for higher studies and then a job. Since she has just now started working and going on maternity leave during probation is not a good idea, they are still waiting for the right time to start a family.

Situation 2: A young single girl in her early 20s has suddenly gained a lot of weight. She is attending a birthday party.

BMJP 1: My friend is looking for a suitable bride for her son. I thought of suggesting you to him but he is a fitness freak…..long awkward pause with ‘ohh…you are so fat’ expression
BMJP 2: I still remember how pretty you looked in Ram’s wedding in that yellow sari….audible sigh….
BMJP 3: ennadi ivalo gundu adichuta ?

My questions to the BMJPs:
If you are really concerned about finding her a groom, is this how you broach the topic?
Have you heard of adding salt to the wound? You are just a tweak away from sadism.
For BMJP 3: Idhu unga maramandaike uraikardhuna, ava daily kannadi pakara, avulukku theriyadha ??

What actually happened:
The girl had a severe personal shock, resulted in a serious medical condition and is taking a lot of medication. The medicine is affecting both her diet and metabolism drastically.

Situation 3: A college graduate is going to Australia for his higher studies. He is having a farewell party.

BMJP 1: I saw in yesterday's news that 3 people were hurt in racist attacks. Are you sure you still want to go ?
BMJP 2: Australian degrees are not recognised anywhere. Why are you going there ?
BMJP 3 (to his mother): nethiku kooda andha oorla ratha kalariya rendu studentsa TVla kaatina, ennamo po....

My questions to the BMJPs:
Do you realise they have a TV at home and they are not deaf and blind ?
You do know that the person who has to worry about the degree is actually the one who is going to study and telling him this in his farewell party is not going to offer an iota of help, right ? If you don't then you are just too dumb.
For BMJP 3: romba shemam, payyan oorku poranenu kavala padara amma kitta indha vishayam kandippa sollanum !

What actually happened:
The guy has contacts in Australia who give him up-to-date information and he is game for any surprises.

Golden rules of Thumb:

- MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS; trust me, it’s a good thing at times.
- Speak only when spoken to. Otherwise keep your suggestions and flashes of genius to yourself.
- Stop stating the obvious, especially when its painful. Please do not give me the ‘truth is bitter/better’ routine here.
- Above all, be kinder than necessary for everyone you meet is fighting an unspoken battle.

Obviously, I am venting...not because someone did this to me, I usually do not let people get away with impertinence. I let them have it and I have no qualms about doing so. If their age demands respect, then they better act their age. In the past, I have left one open mouthed by saying '500 thousand euro' with the utmost conviction when this person asked me about my salary and another dumbstruck by saying 'payyan nethiku dhan school poga arambichan' when one busybody wanted to know when I was going to have kids, 6 months after my wedding.

I am frustrated because someone is inevitably doing it to my near and dear ones, those who are either too hurt or too tired to respond.

I am not against those offering to help, but surely neither of those BMJP questions fall into expressing concern or caring for someone. There are some things that should definitely change in India - taking undue liberty (asking about marriage, kids, salary), violating someone's privacy and above all, hurting someone's feelings. This is not just due to generation gap (that can get some benefit of doubt), but I have seen insane questions come from people in our generation; educated, well informed people, who are and should supposedly be aware of the dos and donts.

On the other hand, I would also encourage those who are subjected to these BMJP questions into adopting a 'Like-I-am-bothered' atittude or laughing it off or letting them know that such questions are not welcome. These people and their questions are not worth any of your time or tears - they are far too precious.

To say or not to say - that's the question, really?!

"I cannot believe you did not tell me this all these days!!''

''You knew but never told me ??''

''When did you first know this ??''

Sound familiar ? If it does, then you would know exactly what I am talking about. There are 2 things about information - the content, and the one that seems less important but causes trouble more than one would expect is ''the temporal'' factor. So it is not just important to give news but when you deliver it is of paramount importance as well !! I can understand this w.r.t work since everything revolves around deadlines but when one takes this into the realm of personal life it simply becomes impossible to keep track of communication especially when it is complicated by a timeline, not to mention the time zones that make it all the more spicy !

Consider the simple example of one getting engaged....obviously there is a whole list of people who are going to get invited for the wedding but how soon does one tell everyone ''informally'' about the engagement ? it would be simple to post it in a social forum (like facebook or orkut) to let all friends know.....isn't it ?.....well you would think so ! Then comes an email from a friend saying she (it could be a ''he'' too) was shocked that she had to find out this way and that she wasnt informed personally.....then you would think about sending an email blast to your friends....but then comes the next fone call from a friend who says ''why couldn't you give me a call''? Then you are stuck wondering if you are going to spend all the time with your fiance or informing people about him ! uh...it never ends, does it ?

But there is a next level to this problem...what if the information does not even concern you ? Lets say you know a friend, A, who just broke up with his/her fiancee/fiance and the planned wedding is not even happening anymore but this is not something you are going to shout from the roof top. What happens when another friend, B, asks you about the wedding ? Well, in that case, I would try to get out of it diplomatically and not reveal anything to B about A because it is simply not my business ! Secondly, there is something similar to ''attorney-client privilege'' that made A trust me with the information and I want to be true to that trust. Does A want B to know now or later or not at all - very simply, it is A's choice....I do not even come into the picture.

It doesn't end there. B raises the question of trust w.r.t you sharing the information about A since your relationship with B warrants that trust....oh...dear....well, my answer here would be if B has so much faith in our relationship then he/she will already know to respect my discretion and not hold it against me. This probably sounds logical (unfortunately to very few people) and paradoxical to the others. This is probably where benefit of doubt is most required !

If you are too inquisitive and want to know everything - good or bad- about everyone all the time, then either you were the brains behind wikipedia or you simply have too much time - go get a life and/or do something worthwhile !

It never ends, does it ?

Day-before-yesterday: in-land letters - I remember a scene with my mom making a list of people with a bunch of in-land letters on the side, all with same text (some snippets - shemam, anega namaskaram, upanayanam, asirvadham) inviting a few elders for my brother's upanayanam and this is besides the formal invitations that are sent out. You are expected to ''re-invite'' some people with your own handwriting.

Yesterday: Phone - I remember making a list of people to call before I left India to come to Germany for my higher studies. This was besides the email I sent out giving people the good news. You are expected to receive a ''personal'' bon-voyage from certain people.

Yesterday/Today: Email - I remember compiling multiple different mailing lists to send out 3 different kinds of my wedding invitations. This was besides the wedding website I had created to let people know what was going on before, during and after. You are expected to invite certain people in certain ways and for certain parts of the ceremony (be it the wedding or reception)!

Today/Tomorrow: Orkut/Facebook/Twitter - I already have an orkut profile and I am fighting in vain to not accept invitations in Facebook since maintaining the existing social network accounts by itself is challenging ! You are expected to invite certain people, send them regular ''how are you'' messages, comment on their photos, visit their blogs....am not even going to bother finishing this list...

Tomorrow/Day-after: Google latitude - Among others, you are probably expected to give your lat long coordinates to certain people.

Inspite of all this, who among us have not had complaints about having missed telling someone something at the right time (not to mention ''right'' is totally a matter of perspective !) !?!?

With all these tools in hand, it looks like we never give people a chance to miss us or each other but isn't the truth the exact opposite ?! Don't we always complain how about how we hardly talk or catch up with a friend, a cousin, a colleague and in some cases, a parent ?! Is it because we always only expect others to do it ?!

On another note, Technology changes, develops but People do not.

So what is happening with Darwin's theory, are we still ''fit to survive'' this technology boom ?! I wonder....