To say or not to say - that's the question, really?!

"I cannot believe you did not tell me this all these days!!''

''You knew but never told me ??''

''When did you first know this ??''

Sound familiar ? If it does, then you would know exactly what I am talking about. There are 2 things about information - the content, and the one that seems less important but causes trouble more than one would expect is ''the temporal'' factor. So it is not just important to give news but when you deliver it is of paramount importance as well !! I can understand this w.r.t work since everything revolves around deadlines but when one takes this into the realm of personal life it simply becomes impossible to keep track of communication especially when it is complicated by a timeline, not to mention the time zones that make it all the more spicy !

Consider the simple example of one getting engaged....obviously there is a whole list of people who are going to get invited for the wedding but how soon does one tell everyone ''informally'' about the engagement ? it would be simple to post it in a social forum (like facebook or orkut) to let all friends know.....isn't it ?.....well you would think so ! Then comes an email from a friend saying she (it could be a ''he'' too) was shocked that she had to find out this way and that she wasnt informed personally.....then you would think about sending an email blast to your friends....but then comes the next fone call from a friend who says ''why couldn't you give me a call''? Then you are stuck wondering if you are going to spend all the time with your fiance or informing people about him ! uh...it never ends, does it ?

But there is a next level to this problem...what if the information does not even concern you ? Lets say you know a friend, A, who just broke up with his/her fiancee/fiance and the planned wedding is not even happening anymore but this is not something you are going to shout from the roof top. What happens when another friend, B, asks you about the wedding ? Well, in that case, I would try to get out of it diplomatically and not reveal anything to B about A because it is simply not my business ! Secondly, there is something similar to ''attorney-client privilege'' that made A trust me with the information and I want to be true to that trust. Does A want B to know now or later or not at all - very simply, it is A's choice....I do not even come into the picture.

It doesn't end there. B raises the question of trust w.r.t you sharing the information about A since your relationship with B warrants that trust....oh...dear....well, my answer here would be if B has so much faith in our relationship then he/she will already know to respect my discretion and not hold it against me. This probably sounds logical (unfortunately to very few people) and paradoxical to the others. This is probably where benefit of doubt is most required !

If you are too inquisitive and want to know everything - good or bad- about everyone all the time, then either you were the brains behind wikipedia or you simply have too much time - go get a life and/or do something worthwhile !

It never ends, does it ?

Day-before-yesterday: in-land letters - I remember a scene with my mom making a list of people with a bunch of in-land letters on the side, all with same text (some snippets - shemam, anega namaskaram, upanayanam, asirvadham) inviting a few elders for my brother's upanayanam and this is besides the formal invitations that are sent out. You are expected to ''re-invite'' some people with your own handwriting.

Yesterday: Phone - I remember making a list of people to call before I left India to come to Germany for my higher studies. This was besides the email I sent out giving people the good news. You are expected to receive a ''personal'' bon-voyage from certain people.

Yesterday/Today: Email - I remember compiling multiple different mailing lists to send out 3 different kinds of my wedding invitations. This was besides the wedding website I had created to let people know what was going on before, during and after. You are expected to invite certain people in certain ways and for certain parts of the ceremony (be it the wedding or reception)!

Today/Tomorrow: Orkut/Facebook/Twitter - I already have an orkut profile and I am fighting in vain to not accept invitations in Facebook since maintaining the existing social network accounts by itself is challenging ! You are expected to invite certain people, send them regular ''how are you'' messages, comment on their photos, visit their blogs....am not even going to bother finishing this list...

Tomorrow/Day-after: Google latitude - Among others, you are probably expected to give your lat long coordinates to certain people.

Inspite of all this, who among us have not had complaints about having missed telling someone something at the right time (not to mention ''right'' is totally a matter of perspective !) !?!?

With all these tools in hand, it looks like we never give people a chance to miss us or each other but isn't the truth the exact opposite ?! Don't we always complain how about how we hardly talk or catch up with a friend, a cousin, a colleague and in some cases, a parent ?! Is it because we always only expect others to do it ?!

On another note, Technology changes, develops but People do not.

So what is happening with Darwin's theory, are we still ''fit to survive'' this technology boom ?! I wonder....

What to expect when you are expecting ?

Naah..ah...if you are a mom or dad-to-be looking for info, you are totally in the wrong place....this blog is about 'expectations' - something people have or meet or exceed or break !

“The best things in life are unexpected - because there were no expectations.”

"With women, always expect the unexpected" - my addendum: with men, always expect nothing ;)

Surprises add color to life exactly for the same reason. This however should not be confused with what happens in your work life or with your partner. The key is to differentiate between responsibilities and expectations. With the former, you are fulfilling your duties (meeting a project deadline) and with the latter, you are enjoying life's little pleasures (getting a thank-you dinner from your boss). I could complicate this all the more and say, if you expect a thank-you dinner from your boss thinking that its his duty to do so.....well...tough luck....and grow up ! now, you get the picture, right ?

You would be surprised to see how a relationship based on no expectations works wonderfully well. There are no disappointments, no hard feelings and above all wonderful surprises ! Once you rid yourself of the temptation to expect, you will also learn to deal with all issues equivocally - life suddenly becomes full of interesting incidents and challenges !

My friend keeps saying ''I definitely do believe, if there is something we pass on to others, it should be the etching of their brains with the words - This too shall pass !''.It just means we ought to never get too excited or too dejected about anything - how true, how practical (probably a little less romantic...oh..well...all is fair in love and war :D)

I was talking with a friend a mine about another mutual friend - lets call him Ram. Ram is generally considered an opportunist while I know him as a very good person. When I was analyzing this difference in perspective, I realised what was going on. I reflected back on my conversations with Ram and discovered that we have never done any small talk (not the object oriented programming language, am referring to the conventional pleasantries, talking about the weather etc.). Any time I need something from him or vice versa, we just call or ping the other for it. This does not mean that we do not care for each other, it only means that it is so implicit and that we are such good friends that the need for small talk actually disappears ! I realized that Ram was taking the liberty of doing this with many others, whom he considered close and this ended in him being misinterpreted as an opportunist ! These people never gave him the ''benefit of doubt'' (from here on, BoD)

As I started looking around, I saw this happening umpteen times in a normal day where unreturned phone calls or emails, forgotten birthdays, missed appointments always inevitably ended in the relationship turning sour and never once did anyone get the BoD. This is where I am reminded of a wonderful quote about empathy - ''Be kinder than necessary for everyone you meet is fighting a battle'' - empathizing with anyone would take you a long way in becoming a better person and remember, to empathize with someone does not necessarily mean you agree with him/her.

I cannot honestly claim that I am not guilty of any of the aforesaid mistakes but I have had the opportunity to learn from them and trust me, life becomes a lot more interesting and cheerful, when you start practicing the this-too-shall-pass paradigm and BoD !

Let me leave you with another favorite quote of mine - “I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it can't be helped.”

The retrieving process will continue.......