Of kids and brats

There are 2 things one never does - tell a bride that she is marrying the wrong guy and if you outlive that mistake then never tell a parent his/her child is a brat !

There was a time when I thought all kids were cute and sweet...I was a confused teenager who was used to heros falling in love with heroines who loved kids or vice versa. But the cuteness and sweetness will disappear when you spend some time with kids who have been pampered and spoilt by the parents and your inability to do nothing in such a situation drives you insane !

Frankly I cannot love all kids unconditionally. The only reason some kids get the 'unconditional-love' cards are because I love at least one of their parents unconditionally. So meeting one of the kids without this card is always tricky.

First of all, when people become parents they undergo a transformation. All parents think their child/children is/are the best and quite a few actually expect others to fall in with that as well. Parents, please understand that a visitor may not share your enthusiasm for watching 100 photos of your child eating cereal or listening to your description of your child's antics for the whole day (the aww feeling stops after an hour) !

I usually get along well with most kids and I never meet them without presents (so that makes me Santa Claus in their eyes and that helps :D). I also enjoy the little pleasures in life that one experiences in the presence of a kid. A friend's kid once drew me a picture (more like a scribble) and gave it to me as a present. I still have it and treasure it. If only the world was only made of such sweet kids.....

I do understand that kids get cranky when they are hungry or sleepy or sick and that's understandable. But there are certain kids who are so spoilt and mean, they know that all they have to do is to throw a tantrum to get their way. I don't like giving parenting advice (and I shouldn't since I don't have kids of my own), so all I do when I encounter such brats is to make a mental note as to never visit the parents again for the next few years (during which I hope the child grows up and learns to behave).

Ashok has a strict rule of not traveling with kids as long as the travel is not to a restaurant or a park and I used to think that he was impatient. But when I came back from a day trip to a nice city with some friends and their kids and couldn't remember what I saw because of the incessant crying and adam pidichufying I decided that he had a point.

For all I know, my kids could end up being brats (Oh dear God, I hope not!) and I would probably be blissfully unaware of that fact but until that day comes, I can choose when and where I want to be with kids !

Baby fever

...is what everyone in my family is suffering from and by family I mean not just immediate family but anyone who is even remotely associated to some member in my family tree (actually family forest, in Ashok's words!). I can't actually blame them because according to them we are living ''outside the law''. Whoever has heard of a desi couple without a child after nearly 4 years of marriage??

There was a time when I thought that pregnancy inevitably followed the wedding. In my defense, I was 17 and everyone who got married announced that they were having a baby within 3 months and there were no movies/internet/ads to ''enlighten'' me. These days, the situation in India has marginally improved and married couples have the ''luxury'' of starting a family after a year or even two, if they are lucky. But once someone celebrates the 2nd wedding anniversary, everyone stops hinting around and chooses the direct approach.

Here is one of the “pearls of wisdom” that usually has smoke coming out of my ears....''Your life is empty without a child''
While I am sure a child enriches one's life and brings happiness, I fail to see how everything else one accomplishes before having a child suddenly loses all meaning. People usually use the same argument for getting someone to marry. While I totally believe a loving companion (spouse or partner) makes life beautiful, I fail to see how the individual's identity is suddenly deemed worthless.

There are others who choose the practical approach and say:
- Women have a biological clock
- Its better to have a kid when the parents are young and healthy and can accede to all the time and attention demands from a child or children. The addendum of this is its better to have a kid when the grandparents are still reasonably healthy
- The sooner you have a child, the earlier you can retire since the child/children would be settled by then

While I partially agree with these practical statements, I am also tempted to play the devil’s advocate. Life expectancy and general health of this generation is better than the previous generations and so is the determination of when to enter the various phases of life. I mean how often did women stay unmarried after 21 in our parents’ generation? But now most women don’t even think about marriage until they reach 25 and I know quite a few who are in their late twenties and still not ready for marriage. As far as the kids-settling-down-before-retirement argument, I have to say that I don’t like to plan the next 30 yrs of my life with so many variables in place; those variables being number of kids, their IQ, their urge to settle down in life, their financial independence etc. I am going to go with ‘let’s cross that bridge when we get to it’.

Then there is the sentimental approach where grandparents say ‘naan sagarthukulla kollu perano pethiyo pakka vendama’…this usually reminds me of when I urge one of my friends or cousins to get married so that I have an excuse to come to India and have fun at a wedding…simply put well-intended but unreasonable expectation !

I think a lot of how I feel definitely has to do with my tenure in Germany. People here are very practical and they always have this attitude – “Its my life and I know what I want from it”. Families and friends are usually only informed of decisions they make and are allowed to deal with the outcomes in anyway they please. I don’t know if it stems from their independence right from childhood or from the distance they maintain with families/friends. I remember how offended I was when some stranger asked me about my salary and later remembered how common it is back home and how touchy I have become.

Another aspect is seeing married couples here with no children. While some do not want the responsibility of a child, others simply like the way their lives are and do not want to change it. I also know a married couple who instead of having children choose to have foster children for a few months every year. This way they can be with kids, do their part to society and in the remaining time be their old selves.

I have to admit that seeing and being with such people has changed my perspective. I am not leaning towards having no children but I am leaning towards choosing when to have them.

Ashok and I worked/work hard for our careers and we do enjoy our success and want to continue to enjoy them. We are having fun traveling, attending shows, taking dance/ski lessons and doing a lot of other things that one should do when one has time, money, interest and health and we are not yet ready for a change in our lifestyles....I think it should happen on its own and it will probably happen when we least expect it....like falling in love :).....and when it does happen, boy o boy, aren’t we in for a roller-coaster ride !?!

Life's little pleasures...

There are certain days when everything that happens makes you grin...well I had one such saturday !

I was woken up by a phone call from a friend I hadn't talked to in 5 years and although I was still in the half-dazed zombie mode (I am not at all a morning person!), it was so great to catch up that we ended up talking for an hour. I was meeting another friend for lunch.

It was such a beautiful day, 12 deg C, bright and sunny (After 3 months of snow, 12 deg C is barbeque weather !) and I walked along the Isar river to reach the restaurant. My friend had invited another friend of his along with the family and although I had met them only once before, we got along as if we had known each other for years. I think befriending someone after a certain age is not really easy unless it happens on its own and it did.

During lunch I spent some time with their 5 year old daughter. Afterwards, we all decided to take a walk to the city centre and the first thing she does is run up to me and hold my hand. I was touched although I did not say anything (made me feel too girly :D)

While we were walking she decided to play catch-catch and started running and I ran after her...initially it was just to make sure she does not go out of sight but then I got into the game and we played it for quite a while much to the amusement of other pedestrians (and probably irritation of a few others...)...it was a lot of fun, reminded me of all the lock-and-key I used to play in the mottamadi when I was in school.

Then we went shopping and the store was cluttered and that made her decide that it was the perfect place for hide-and-seek. She would make me close my eyes, check if I really did and then hide. I had bought her a chocolate bunny with a bell around its neck and she dutifully carried it with her without realizing that the jingle of the bell always gave away her hiding place :)...we went on for a while and stopped when I decided that we had tested the patience of the storekeeper enough !

Her father referred to me as ''sowmya aunty'' and I corrected him saying ''sowmya akka'', he chuckled and said ''lets ask her'' and she rolled her eyes and said brightly ''sowmya akka''....and I smiled politely while I was dancing for ''uppu karuvadu'' in my head :D !

And finally it was time to say goodbye and she held on to my hand and said ''pogadhe'' and when I said I had to, she wanted to know when I was going to come to her house and she gave me a list of incentives to do so (in her words ''enga veetula dress, shoe ellam irukku''...ROFL) and I gave her a pretty cliched (but appropriate) response that if she was a good girl I would visit her soon (I wonder if knows the Santa story !)

I came home and I had a sms from her mother saying that she misses me and what completely blew me away was a phone call today saying that she insisted on talking to me....truly a heart-warming moment ! To me, it sort of made up for the time I miss away from my nieces and nephews all the while hoping that my cousins show them photos of me often enough for me to be recognised when I do see them....once a year is simply not enough...!

Gold fish translator:

Mottamadi - terrace

Akka - Sister

Pogadhe - ''Don't go''

Uppu karuvadu - (here) refers to a peppy number from a tamil movie (one of all my time favorites)