Finally, the beginning....

You can read the previous posts here.

When I opened my eyes, Ashok was carrying me ((I made a mental note never to make fun of his body building again) with an extremely concerned expression . After he laid me down on the bed, he told me I fainted. I was shocked, I had never fainted before, ever. For that matter, I had never been admitted to a hospital or had IV and various things stuck to various places ! It was a day of firsts !

The nurse then explained to me that I had lost 1.7 litres of blood (women normally lose 0.4 to 0.5l during delivery) since it took a while to locate the source of the bleeding and stop it. She said it was a miracle that I actually wanted to stand up and managed to do so. The reason she let me do it was because she wanted to see how far I could manage. She gave me a couple of tablets for the pain and I slept and I slept while Ashok took care of both his girls.

In the morning, after spending time with Sahana, I was getting restless waiting for the doctor. I wanted to know when I could take our little girl and go home. When the doctor arrived, she checked me and the good news was that the tampon had successfully stopped the bleeding but the bad news was that it had to come out. If inserting it was painful, removing it was 10 times worse ! When I think about it now, I am actually immensely proud of myself and my pain threshold !

The doctor then asked me if I could stand up. After the previous night's episode, I was a little wary and when I stood up, I was relieved that everything in the room was still in focus. The relief encouraged me to slowly walk around the room. The doctor was happy. She was trying to decide if I would need a blood transfusion. As I displayed reasonable energy levels, she thought that I would do well just with an iron injection (that would help generate my own blood)  instead of a blood transfusion. She only cautioned me that I would have to take a lot of rest and avoid any stress (which included taking long walks, climbing stairs etc.) in the first couple of weeks to give my body time to generate all the blood that had been lost.

A couple of hours later, after thanking everyone, we finally took Sahana and headed home. 

When Ashok was fixing her car seat, I looked at him and vowed to myself that I would never again fight with him for petty things (notice the hidden disclaimer ''petty'' - how can I completely stop fighting with him....life would then be too boring :D). For all the love, care and support he gave me throughout the pregnancy, during the delivery (and now), I was (and am) immensely happy and inordinately proud to be his wife !!

Some words for wisdom for all moms and dads-to-be:

• Stop trying to plan and control everything - Be it the birth plan or anything else, pregnancy and child birth come with their own load of surprises. So go with the flow. Just breathe, relax and believe that things will go well. This is especially a learning curve for when the child arrives because then things are truly out of control. 

• Trust your midwife and/or doctor: It is extremely important to have a midwife/doctor you completely trust. Irrespective of everyone around you, they are the medical experts whose opinion counts when its time to make a crucial decision.

• Remember, pregnancy is not an illness: Just because you are pregnant, it doesn't mean you have to stay in bed all day (there are exceptional situations). You can stick to your routine as long as you are not exerting yourself too much. For example, my colleague is a runner (i.e she runs every day) and since she is used to running she ran until her 34th week ! Obviously you can't begin training for a marathon when you are pregnant, but you can continue doing what you did before, as long as your body can handle it.

• Natural childbirth is preferable but keep your options open: While natural child birth without any medication or induction is definitely the way to go, have a plan B when there are complications. Look into pain medication options (there are quite a few) so that you understand the pros and cons. For example, not everyone can have epidural. One criterion is that you should not have had back problems or pain. Also not everyone reacts to the epidural the same way, for some women, the pain relief is only partial or its too late in labor for epidural to be administered. 

• Keep the communication loop as small as possible: While you would need support from the family, there is no need to inform every aunt, uncle and cousin that your labor has started, especially if they do not live in the same city or country as you do. This will only make them feel helpless and anxious, which would result in multiple phone calls that you neither have time nor patience to handle. For example, we only informed appa and amma after calling the midwife. Similarly we didn't inform anyone in India (including Ashok's parents) that I was in labor. Ashok only called them after Sahana was born.

• Remember the value of positive energy: The more nervous you get, the more adrenaline your body produces and this inhibits oxytocin (the hormone needed for contractions), so remember your breathing exercises and do them. Listen to something you like or do something you like (read a book or watch a funny movie), recollect all the happy memories from your pregnancy and above all, remember all the good wishes from near and dear ones. There is immense power in positive thoughts !

• Find the line between well-informed and ''over-informed'': Attend a maternity class or a course to understand the various terms and to be prepared, especially if you have a desi family, you might have to contend with a lot of superstitions and knowing the actual facts would help. Note that there are a lot of beliefs based on actual facts but telling them apart is not easy, if you are not well-informed. At the same time, reading every thing that Google churns out will only give you nightmares ! 

• Keep the Dad involved: Even if you have a big family of aunts, grandmothers and a whole horde of women to help, it is always important to keep the dad involved. This not only enhances the emotional attachment between the child and the father, but it also helps keep husband and wife close. Many couples drift apart once a child arrives, because the woman is always busy with the child and the man feels left out and less loved. Remember that the grandmothers and aunts can't be around for ever, so it always helps if the dad knows how to change a diaper or sterilise a bottle !

And above all, cherish this time - pregnancy and child birth come with a load of work but also bring with them tonnes of happiness and joy and as years go by, its the happy memories that will stay with you !

With all this behind you, you then have something wonderful to look forward to - being a parent ! 

The Perfect Pregnancy - Part I

Yes, I can truly and honestly say I had a perfect pregnancy.

I was flying the day I found out....not figuratively, literally. I flew a small aircraft (was a birthday present from my husband) and then we came home only to realise, there was another birthday surprise waiting for me.

I cannot describe the dhaam dhoom on the day I told our families....fire crackers and sweets everywhere ....again, literally, because it was Diwali !

Ashok and I finally decided to grow up and moved out of our city centre apartment (where people kept partying at all time and restaurants/cafes were just a few steps away) to a residential neighborhood and replaced our bikes with a car (well, we still have the bikes).

People kept warning me about morning sickness, food cravings, feeling tired etc. I waited but none of these came, I went about my life as usual - having fun with Ashok, work and travel.

People cautioned me against air travel. But I was in Chicago for work, in India for my baby shower and except for the slightly big tummy, I felt no difference.

I dutifully joined pregnancy yoga and even started with something new called ''dancing for birth''. Truthfully, I had more fun dancing than doing yoga. Ashok and I also started attending maternity classes and the more they told us about what would happen before and after, I was getting intrigued but not scared.

Every appointment with the midwife (in NL, a doctor is called for only when there are complications with a pregnancy) was the same - everything was normal with me and the baby was growing well.

At 21 weeks, we started shopping for the baby and planning the nursery. I was so overjoyed that Ashok had so many ideas for decorating the nursery (Like our wedding, I thought he would just leave all the creative ideas to me! But I was so glad he proved me wrong)

At 34 weeks, the ultrasound showed that the baby height and weight was above the Dutch average (and this is saying something if you know how well-built the Dutch are!) and that he/she was very active. We also created a birth plan with the midwife and I confidently said I would need no pain medication or any other medication for that matter and would prefer a completely natural child birth.

At 35 weeks, the baby's head was down (this is needed for a normal delivery).

At 36 weeks, the baby was ''engaged''. I also started my maternity leave (obligatory in NL from the 36th week). I had a great send-off at work. My boss was extremely happy that I had transitioned my projects very smoothly to my back-up.

At 37 weeks, we took my parents to Germany, to Cologne. It was my father's childhood dream to walk along the Rhein river one day and it made me feel extremely proud and happy that I was able to make that happen (Life sure take its own interesting turns - whoever knew that I would actually live only an hour from Cologne some day or was it my father's dream manifesting itself in my mind as a desire to study in Germany ?!)

At 38 weeks, we took my parents to Amsterdam. During the Amsterdam canal cruise, my amma marveled at the beauty of the Dutch architecture and their design of the city with canals and told me ''Lifela idhellam parpenu nenachu parthadhe illa....''**....I was elated....it was one of these little pleasures of life to realise that something so simple from me could give her so much joy !

At 39 weeks, we went to Ardenne, Belgium (Ardenne is a hilly forested region like the black forest in Germany) to a small and picturesque village (La Roche en Ardenne). Appa tasted his first Belgian beer there and enjoyed it immensely.

At 40 weeks, even though, appa, amma and Ashok kept looking at me for signs of labor, I displayed none. So we went to IKEA for some left-over shopping. A note (for those unaware of the pregnancy science): A normal pregnancy lasts 40 weeks, even though a baby can be born anywhere between 37 and 42 weeks.

At 41 weeks (since I was one week late) my midwife referred me to a gynaecologist to make sure that everything was normal with me and the baby. It was, in fact it was so normal that my gynaecologist was convinced that my due date estimate was wrong (it is impossible to predict when the egg was exactly fertilized, due date is approximately estimated based on the menstruation cycle and size of the baby). She also asked me if I wanted labor to be induced (In NL, a choice is given to the mother until the 42nd week about inducing labor, when there are no medical complications) and I confidently said no. I was determined to have a natural child birth.

A day later, I had my first contraction. While I was excited that I was going to see my little one soon, I was also a teensy bit upset that my perfect pregnancy was coming to an end.

Want to know if my delivery was as perfect ? I will get to that in Part II.

**Translation: I never thought I would see these things in my life.

At crossroads...

There is this mattress ad that says that one-third of life is spent in bed. And I think the remaining is spent in decision making - when we decide to get up, what to eat, what to wear, when to leave for work, what things are to be done today and when we finally get to back to the comfortable one-third part of life !

The day-to-day decisions are indeed easy since they fall into a routine and we can often deal with the consequences easily - a sigh when the favorite blouse doesn't fit anymore, a shrug when there is no time to eat, honking when there is traffic, an irritated look when we switch lines and the line we just left starts moving ahead....but what happens when we know we have to make a decision that may alter our lives forever?

Big decisions are never easy; not knowing whether we can live with the burden of the consequences makes them even more intimidating. A simple example - if we had to choose between a high paying job in a god forsaken city and a low paying job in a happening one, which job should one take? Is the social life worth the money one would lose? If I take the high paying job, can I deal with the fact that there will be nothing to do in the evenings and over the weekends? A more complicated example would be if the high paying job did not promise any challenges that would give one job satisfaction. Does one choose money or improving one’s career? In some cases, the priorities help determine the decision – a big family dependent on my salary would make me choose the high paying job, come what may and will serve as a motivation to help me deal with the pitfalls of the decision ! But what if the priorities themselves are unclear?

I am now in a place where I have to make multiple big decisions both in my personal life and work. There are no right or wrong decisions, all of them have their pros and cons. I cannot ask for anyone’s help (except of course Ashok) and I cannot count on the future turning out exactly as I hope. I am afraid that down the road, I may resent the decisions I make now and even if make my peace with the consequences, I am worried that I would hurt my near and dear ones.

Kadavule, give me clarity of thought, give me courage and resolve for clarity of action and above all, give me strength to stick to my decisions and anything else they may bring!

I googled for Manadhil urudhi vendum lyrics and found it in a blog…..by Sowmya…..maybe this is a sign.. :)

Baby fever

...is what everyone in my family is suffering from and by family I mean not just immediate family but anyone who is even remotely associated to some member in my family tree (actually family forest, in Ashok's words!). I can't actually blame them because according to them we are living ''outside the law''. Whoever has heard of a desi couple without a child after nearly 4 years of marriage??

There was a time when I thought that pregnancy inevitably followed the wedding. In my defense, I was 17 and everyone who got married announced that they were having a baby within 3 months and there were no movies/internet/ads to ''enlighten'' me. These days, the situation in India has marginally improved and married couples have the ''luxury'' of starting a family after a year or even two, if they are lucky. But once someone celebrates the 2nd wedding anniversary, everyone stops hinting around and chooses the direct approach.

Here is one of the “pearls of wisdom” that usually has smoke coming out of my ears....''Your life is empty without a child''
While I am sure a child enriches one's life and brings happiness, I fail to see how everything else one accomplishes before having a child suddenly loses all meaning. People usually use the same argument for getting someone to marry. While I totally believe a loving companion (spouse or partner) makes life beautiful, I fail to see how the individual's identity is suddenly deemed worthless.

There are others who choose the practical approach and say:
- Women have a biological clock
- Its better to have a kid when the parents are young and healthy and can accede to all the time and attention demands from a child or children. The addendum of this is its better to have a kid when the grandparents are still reasonably healthy
- The sooner you have a child, the earlier you can retire since the child/children would be settled by then

While I partially agree with these practical statements, I am also tempted to play the devil’s advocate. Life expectancy and general health of this generation is better than the previous generations and so is the determination of when to enter the various phases of life. I mean how often did women stay unmarried after 21 in our parents’ generation? But now most women don’t even think about marriage until they reach 25 and I know quite a few who are in their late twenties and still not ready for marriage. As far as the kids-settling-down-before-retirement argument, I have to say that I don’t like to plan the next 30 yrs of my life with so many variables in place; those variables being number of kids, their IQ, their urge to settle down in life, their financial independence etc. I am going to go with ‘let’s cross that bridge when we get to it’.

Then there is the sentimental approach where grandparents say ‘naan sagarthukulla kollu perano pethiyo pakka vendama’…this usually reminds me of when I urge one of my friends or cousins to get married so that I have an excuse to come to India and have fun at a wedding…simply put well-intended but unreasonable expectation !

I think a lot of how I feel definitely has to do with my tenure in Germany. People here are very practical and they always have this attitude – “Its my life and I know what I want from it”. Families and friends are usually only informed of decisions they make and are allowed to deal with the outcomes in anyway they please. I don’t know if it stems from their independence right from childhood or from the distance they maintain with families/friends. I remember how offended I was when some stranger asked me about my salary and later remembered how common it is back home and how touchy I have become.

Another aspect is seeing married couples here with no children. While some do not want the responsibility of a child, others simply like the way their lives are and do not want to change it. I also know a married couple who instead of having children choose to have foster children for a few months every year. This way they can be with kids, do their part to society and in the remaining time be their old selves.

I have to admit that seeing and being with such people has changed my perspective. I am not leaning towards having no children but I am leaning towards choosing when to have them.

Ashok and I worked/work hard for our careers and we do enjoy our success and want to continue to enjoy them. We are having fun traveling, attending shows, taking dance/ski lessons and doing a lot of other things that one should do when one has time, money, interest and health and we are not yet ready for a change in our lifestyles....I think it should happen on its own and it will probably happen when we least expect it....like falling in love :).....and when it does happen, boy o boy, aren’t we in for a roller-coaster ride !?!

Back to college ??

I just saw a movie - Oru kalluriyin kadai. Since Wikipedia has a dismally written plot in its article, here is my short version - Hero, a college student, and with his friends plan a get-together 5 years after graduation. Everyone turns up only to realise that the hero is mentally affected and has no idea that 5 years have passed. Since the psychiatrist figures out it was because of something that happened in college, they come up with ''re-creation therapy'' where the college days are re-created for a month to diagnose the hero's mental condition and treat it.

While the plot sounds highly impractical (re-creating a college with all his students, professors and infrastructure after 5 yrs such that the hero buys it) and mishy-mashy, it has its tugs-at-the -heart-strings moments. One example is the arch rival of the hero, who turns up un-invited for the re-creation and sadly demands ''enda, enna mattum vittuteenga? ellarum serndhu irukkum podhu enakkum varanumnu asai irukadha ??''* and another where one of the friends explains to the hero in the climax ''ellarum namma padicha collegea thirumbi pakka maatomanu enguvom, unnala naanga oru maasam vazhndhe pathutom da''**...I had to reach for the tissues !

All along the only thought in my mind was - Would the college/school relationships and student life really stand the test of time ? No, I am not talking about a couple of college/school friends being in touch, I am talking about the whole batch, the thing that held everyone together for a certain number of years.

If I take my case, 5 years after my graduation:

- I had been married for 3 months then

- I had been working for a while

Most of my class girls were married, some even had kids and many of them were working/living abroad.

I am sure most of us would enjoy a get-together at a friend's wedding or at an alumni event but would we really be willing to do it all again now for a month if we had the chance ??

Would be willing to stay away from families (spouses, kids etc.) ?

Would be willing to stay away from work ?

Would be willing to not care about our other responsibilities (insert a long list here) ?

Would we still enjoy making fun of teachers, gossiping about who-has-a-crush-on-whom, scribbling (etching) on class room benches, bunking classes, copying assignments under the desk ?

Would we really be able to live life as a ''student'' in the very same place ?

Time certainly is a tricky master....

*Why did you leave me out ? Would I not want to be together with everyone else ?

** Everyone wishes for a glimpse of their college but you have given us a chance to re-live those college days

'Better' halves of Friends

Yesterday I dreamt of a friend of mine and so in the morning I started thinking about her and I was sort of saddened by the fact that we are not as close as we were...actually it was more the reason behind it than the fact itself...I will get to it later.

When I meet my married friends and get the chance to stay with them, I will totally play the ‘angel’ the first few hours that my friends would exclaim ‘adipaavi, ivalo scene agadhu’...I have a very good reason behind it. I want their spouses to like me because that’s what more or less determines my future relationship with my friend. It is not a question of male chauvinism or anything because this concept works for both my male and female friends. Do you remember how it was to have a friend your parents disapprove of, when you were in school or college? Well, its at least twice as hard as that since everyone involved in this problem is an adult and that means there is no room for compromise!

I learnt this lesson the hard way. We got off to a wrong start right when my friend got engaged. I was not very impressed with the groom and I thought to myself with fierce pride that my friend deserved better. Just like you can never tell anyone that their baby doesn’t look pretty, you can never tell a girl that you don’t think much of the guy she is going to marry (unless you know something really awful about his personal life…but that’s a different track). So I made my peace with it and wished her well.

When I met them as a couple for the first time after their wedding, I had told myself that I was going to give him the benefit of doubt and make every effort to be as pleasant as I can. The meeting was a disaster….he ticked me off so badly with some very male chauvinistic comments that I snubbed him at least a couple of times in spite of telling myself that my poor friend will be helpless if we do not get along. Slowly our lives kind of drifted apart since I could never bring myself to spend time with her husband again and she could hardly spend some time with me alone.

Then after a few years, when I got another chance, I decided to take it because I was missing my friend quite a bit. I had accepted an invitation from her to stay overnight and frankly, I was dreading it. I was an epitome of goodness that day; I smiled at every snide remark of her husband and remained at guard the whole time. The night went by without any ‘incidences’ but I was so exhausted since I had tried too hard to be someone I was not. My friend noticed it too and although we did not say the words, we both knew that it would the last time I actually stayed with her. We still stay in touch but it is just not the same...and the dream brought back all these memories. The difficult part is there isn’t anything one can do about it...if you cannot hang out with someone and have fun, nothing you do will change it. It reminds me of this episode where Joey’s girlfriend thinks Chandler is boring and Monica is loud (Joey eventually breaks up with the girlfriend – for once, friends score over ‘figure’ :D)

There are friends whose spouses I have not yet met or even spoken a word to. But I find that situation much easier to deal with because what you don’t know cannot affect you.

On the other hand, I have other friends with whose spouses I get on so well that I actually talk to them more than I talk to my friends! So I guess one has to be prepared for everything. I love playing the match maker (in spite of Ashok saying enniku yaaru kitta udai vanga poriyo) and even though the main motive is to hook up two nice people who can have fun together, the ulterior motive is knowing that I get to retain both of them as friends even after they get married ;) :D....well, I wonder how my best friend married my cousin...devil emoticon with angelic smile !

So all my single friends out there, please marry someone I already know and get along with :)...if she/he gets along with me, then he/she is definitely a great person to be with ;) :D ?!

PS: Makkale, iniye thamizh puthandu vazthukkal (idha phone panni solla mudiyama panna t-com/aliceku indha pudhu varshathulayavadhu bhuddi vara kadavadhu!)

Gold fish translator
There are certain things that are completely lost in translation, here are 2 such examples.
adipaavi, ivalo scene agadhu - ???, this is taking it too far !
enniku yaaru kitta udai vanga poriya - who knows when you are going to get into trouble !

No Easy Goodbyes.....

I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.

If I were able to think or even understand this quote from Mother Teresa correctly, then saying Goodbye shouldn't hurt....it should only bring me fond memories and make me wonder with the same fondness about when I am going to see the person next.....and irrespective of how much I try to grow up, Goodbyes are never easy.....true, with days going by, they hurt less and less and I replace tears with happy tears and a grin but it still remains that Goodbyes are never easy......

When 3 of my really close friends had to leave the school since their parents got transferred, I remember how fervently we promised each other that we would regularly write to each other (those were the days of inland letters and greeting cards by post) and how much we tried to spend the last day together and how dull and upset I remained the whole week after they left....but I think at that age (I was 12), it is easier to replace one friend with another and I got through that phase.

The next time I had trouble saying Goodbye was during the school farewell...lots of tears, hugs, autographs, candles (with the Mustafa song in the background)

kalvi payilum kalam varayil thulli thiriyum engal vizhiyil

kaneerai kandadhillai thendral satchi.....

Nanban pirindhu ooru thirumbum nalil mattum dhan neer arumbum

kanneril dhane engal farewell party.....

But the consolation was that most of my friends lived in my neighborhood and so I knew I would always know where to find them if I wanted to. Thanks to yahoogroups, I am in touch with almost all of them.

I assumed then that my college farewell would be as hard too but surprisingly it wasn't. I think there were 2 reasons - technology for one (since we had email addresses of everyone) and age for another; at that age, you make only close friends and you know in your heart that you would somehow stay in touch with them.

Then came my trip to Germany and the excitement of going to another country kept me going until amma said ''ippove unna kalyanam panni kuduthutenu nenachukaren'' (non-tamil readers: my amma said that she was going to assume that I was married and was going away) but the hardest part came when I returned to India for a 6 week vacation after nearly 3 years. I couldn't imagine going back to Germany and all along the way to the airport I was foolishly thinking of ways to get out of it. I was holding up well until my gang of cousins came to see me off and one of them hugged me tightly and said ''take care'', then rose a huge lump in my throat and try as I might, I couldn't stop those tears from appearing at the corner of my eyes and I had to swallow many times before I could stop making a fool of myself (by shedding tears in public) !

On the third day of the wedding (yeah, yeah, I had a 3 day wedding), while we were leaving to Ashok's place, I was feeling queer....I shouldn't have given that my parents live less than 10 km away (and I have lived alone for quite a few years in Germany) and I knew Ashok and his family for a long time before we got married...but I did and finally when appa gave me a hug and I waved ''Goodbye'' from the car (much like in the movies), I burst out sobbing much to everyone's surprise and if I may add, discomfort !

I still cannot make my peace with some airport send-offs (Is that the plural, by the way?!) and some train station send-offs and although I am telling and training myself to remember the happy times and the times to come and the fact that absence makes the heart grow fonder, I cannot let go, I simply cannot......

Oh...well, I am thankful that there are certain people who will always remain in my life, irrespective of the send-offs, the goodbyes...yes, the goodbyes are not easy but I know I don't have to let them go.....and that keeps me going :)

PS: For worried readers, I am not going crazy....am just in one of those moods....I blame ARR and Thamarai for that......melum melum urugi urugi unai enni engum idhayathai enna seiven, unai enni engum idhayathai enna seiven....tugs at my heart everytime.....

Go, Kiss the World !

Welcome Address by Subroto Bagchi, Chief Operating Officer, MindTree Consulting to the Class of 2006 on July 2, 2004 at the Indian Institute of Management, Bangalore, India on defining success.

I was the last child of a small-time government servant, in a family of five brothers. My earliest memory of my father is as that of a District Employment Officer in Koraput, Orissa. It was and remains as back of beyond as you can imagine. There was no electricity; no primary school nearby and water did not flow out of a tap. As a result, I did not go to school until the age of eight; I was home-schooled. My father used to get transferred every year. The family belongings fit into the back of a jeep - so the family moved from place to place and, without any trouble, my Mother would set up an establishment and get us going. Raised by a widow who had come as a refugee from the then East Bengal, she was a matriculate when she married my Father. My parents set the foundation of my life and the value system which makes me what I am today and largely defines what success means to me today.

As District Employment Officer, my father was given a jeep by the government. There was no garage in the Office, so the jeep was parked in our house. My father refused to use it to commute to the office. He told us that the jeep is an expensive resource given by the government - he reiterated to us that it was not 'his jeep' but the government's jeep. Insisting that he would use it only to tour the interiors, he would walk to his office on normal days. He also made sure that we never sat in the government jeep - we could sit in it only when it was stationary. That was our early childhood lesson in governance - a lesson that corporate managers learn the hard way, some never do.

The driver of the jeep was treated with respect due to any other member of my Father's office. As small children, we were taught not to call him by his name. We had to use the suffix 'dada' whenever we were to refer to him in public or private. When I grew up to own a car and a driver by the name of Raju was appointed - I repeated the lesson to my two small daughters. They have, as a result, grown up to call Raju, 'Raju Uncle' - very different from many of their friends who refer to their family drivers as 'my driver'. When I hear that term from a school- or college-going person, I cringe. To me, the lesson was significant - you treat small people with more respect than how you treat big people. It is more important to respect your subordinates than your superiors.

Our day used to start with the family huddling around my Mother's chulha - an earthen fire place she would build at each place of posting where she would cook for the family. There was no gas, nor electrical stoves. The morning routine started with tea. As the brew was served, Father would ask us to read aloud the editorial page of The Statesman's 'muffosil' edition - delivered one day late. We did not understand much of what we were reading. But the ritual was meant for us to know that the world was larger than Koraput district and the English I speak today, despite having studied in an Oriya medium school, has to do with that routine. After reading the newspaper aloud, we were told to fold it neatly. Father taught us a simple lesson. He used to say, "You should leave your newspaper and your toilet, the way you expect to find it".

That lesson was about showing consideration to others. Business begins and ends with that simple precept.

Being small children, we were always enamored with advertisements in the newspaper for transistor radios - we did not have one. We saw other people having radios in their homes and each time there was an advertisement of Philips, Murphy or Bush radios, we would ask Father when we could get one. Each time, my Father would reply that we did not need one because he already had five radios - alluding to his five sons. We also did not have a house of our own and would occasionally ask Father as to when, like others, we would live in our own house. He would give a similar reply, "We do not need a house of our own. I already own five houses". His replies did not gladden our hearts in that instant. Nonetheless, we learnt that it is important not to measure personal success and sense of well being through material possessions.

Government houses seldom came with fences. Mother and I collected twigs and built a small fence. After lunch, my Mother would never sleep. She would take her kitchen utensils and with those she and I would dig the rocky, white ant infested surrounding. We planted flowering bushes. The white ants destroyed them. My mother brought ash from her chulha and mixed it in the earth and we planted the seedlings all over again. This time, they bloomed. At that time, my father's transfer order came. A few neighbors told my mother why she was taking so much pain to beautify a government house, why she was planting seeds that would only benefit the next occupant. My mother replied that it did not matter to her that she would not see the flowers in full bloom. She said, "I have to create a bloom in a desert and whenever I am given a new place, I must leave it more beautiful than what I had inherited". That was my first lesson in success. It is not about what you create for yourself, it is what you leave behind that defines success.

My mother began developing a cataract in her eyes when I was very small. At that time, the eldest among my brothers got a teaching job at the University in Bhubaneswar and had to prepare for the civil services examination. So, it was decided that my Mother would move to cook for him and, as her appendage, I had to move too. For the first time in my life, I saw electricity in homes and water coming out of a tap. It was around 1965 and the country was going to war with Pakistan. My mother was having problems reading and in any case, being Bengali, she did not know the Oriya script. So, in addition to my daily chores, my job was to read her the local newspaper - end to end. That created in me a sense of connectedness with a larger world. I began taking interest in many different things. While reading out news about the war, I felt that I was fighting the war myself. She and I discussed the daily news and built a bond with the larger universe. In it, we became part of a larger reality. Till date, I measure my success in terms of that sense of larger connectedness.

Meanwhile, the war raged and India was fighting on both fronts. Lal Bahadur Shastri, the then Prime Minster, coined the term "Jai Jawan, Jai Kishan" and galvanized the nation in to patriotic fervor. Other than reading out the newspaper to my mother, I had no clue about how I could be part of the action. So, after reading her the newspaper, every day I would land up near the University's water tank, which served the community. I would spend hours under it, imagining that there could be spies who would come to poison the water and I had to watch for them. I would daydream about catching one and how the next day, I would be featured in the newspaper. Unfortunately for me, the spies at war ignored the sleepy town of Bhubaneswar and I never got a chance to catch one in action. Yet, that act unlocked my imagination. Imagination is everything. If we can imagine a future, we can create it, if we can create that future, others will live in it. That is the essence of success.

Over the next few years, my mother's eyesight dimmed but in me she created a larger vision, a vision with which I continue to see the world and, I sense, through my eyes, she was seeing too. As the next few years unfolded, her vision deteriorated and she was operated for cataract. I remember, when she returned after her operation and she saw my face clearly for the first time, she was astonished. She said, "Oh my God, I did not know you were so fair". I remain mighty pleased with that adulation even till date. Within weeks of getting her sight back, she developed a corneal ulcer and, overnight, became blind in both eyes.

That was 1969. She died in 2002. In all those 32 years of living with blindness, she never complained about her fate even once. Curious to know what she saw with blind eyes, I asked her once if she sees darkness. She replied, "No, I do not see darkness. I only see light even with my eyes closed". Until she was eighty years of age, she did her morning yoga everyday, swept her own room and washed her own clothes. To me, success is about the sense of independence; it is about not seeing the world but seeing the light.

Over the many intervening years, I grew up, studied, joined the industry and began to carve my life's own journey. I began my life as a clerk in a government office, went on to become a Management Trainee with the DCM group and eventually found my life's calling with the IT industry when fourth generation computers came to India in 1981. Life took me places - I worked with outstanding people, challenging assignments and traveled all over the world. In 1992, while I was posted in the US, I learnt that my father, living a retired life with my eldest brother, had suffered a third degree burn injury and was admitted in the Safderjung Hospital in Delhi. I flew back to attend to him - he remained for a few days in critical stage, bandaged from neck to toe. The Safderjung Hospital is a cockroach infested, dirty, inhuman place. The overworked, under-resourced sisters in the burn ward are both victims and perpetrators of dehumanized life at its worst. One morning, while attending to my Father, I realized that the blood bottle was empty and fearing that air would go into his vein, I asked the attending nurse to change it. She bluntly told me to do it myself. In that horrible theater of death, I was in pain and frustration and anger. Finally when she relented and came, my Father opened his eyes and murmured to her, "Why have you not gone home yet?" Here was a man on his deathbed but more concerned about the overworked nurse than his own state. I was stunned at his stoic self. There I learnt that there is no limit to how concerned you can be for another human being and what is the limit of inclusion you can create. My father died the next day.

He was a man whose success was defined by his principles, his frugality, his universalism and his sense of inclusion. Above all, he taught me that success is your ability to rise above your discomfort, whatever may be your current state. You can, if you want, raise your consciousness above your immediate surroundings. Success is not about building material comforts - the transistor that he never could buy or the house that he never owned. His success was about the legacy he left, the mimetic continuity of his ideals that grew beyond the smallness of a ill-paid, unrecognized government servant's world.

My father was a fervent believer in the British Raj. He sincerely doubted the capability of the post-independence Indian political parties to govern the country. To him, the lowering of the Union Jack was a sad event. My Mother was the exact opposite. When Subhash Bose quit the Indian National Congress and came to Dacca, my mother, then a schoolgirl, garlanded him. She learnt to spin khadi and joined an underground movement that trained her in using daggers and swords. Consequently, our household saw diversity in the political outlook of the two. On major issues concerning the world, the Old Man and the Old Lady had differing opinions. In them, we learnt the power of disagreements, of dialogue and the essence of living with diversity in thinking. Success is not about the ability to create a definitive dogmatic end state; it is about the unfolding of thought processes, of dialogue and continuum.

Two years back, at the age of eighty-two, Mother had a paralytic stroke and was lying in a government hospital in Bhubaneswar. I flew down from the US where I was serving my second stint, to see her. I spent two weeks with her in the hospital as she remained in a paralytic state. She was neither getting better nor moving on. Eventually I had to return to work. While leaving her behind, I kissed her face. In that paralytic state and a garbled voice, she said, "Why are you kissing me, go kiss the world." Her river was nearing its journey, at the confluence of life and death, this woman who came to India as a refugee, raised by a widowed Mother, no more educated than high school, married to an anonymous government servant whose last salary was Rupees Three Hundred, robbed of her eyesight by fate and crowned by adversity - was telling me to go and kiss the world!

Success to me is about Vision. It is the ability to rise above the immediacy of pain. It is about imagination. It is about sensitivity to small people. It is about building inclusion. It is about connectedness to a larger world existence. It is about personal tenacity. It is about giving back more to life than you take out of it. It is about creating extra-ordinary success with ordinary lives.

Thank you very much; I wish you good luck and Godspeed. Go, kiss the world.

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My 2 cents:

- Last year when I was in India, I saw a advertisement that said ''Tuitions for classes I to VIII'', I was baffled....why do you need tuitions ?! With kids spending 8 hours at school, and at least 3 hours watching TV, when would they do something else if they had tuitions for 2 hours ?! And why does one need tuitions after those 8 hours in school ?? why cannot they simply do their homework and be ''normal'' ?? Parents, yes, its a competitive world but remember childhood is precious and your kids remain innocent, care-free kids only for a few years, please do not rob them of those. This is why homeschooling is music to my ears. If you want your kids to read, don't ask them to, take a newspaper and sit next to them and read.

- I really liked the example with the car driver being addressed as Raju Uncle. Kids keep watching you parents all the time, they are what you do. I hear of schools in India that offer horse riding, piano lessons, summer camps but do they teach the meaning of Namaste or how to respect fellow beings ? (A friend of mine once explained to me the meaning - the divinity in me salutes the divinity in you, and ever since anytime I say namaste/namaskaram, I feel good). If schools are not doing it, at least parents should. I once heard a teenage kid complain that all her father's friends sweat and stink !! I was completely shocked, yes, I was not really fond of all my parents' friends either when I was a teenager but the worst that I have thought of them is that they were boring...who among our parents have grown up with deos and perfumes ? Why do you need those in a country where people shower everyday or even twice a day ?! I am not saying that personal hygiene is trivial but kids need to be taught where to draw the line; to respect people and see them beyond fancy clothes and cosmetics.

- During my first month in Germany, I saw another student in the common kitchen area adjusting one of the ventilators. When I noticed that he was standing on a stack of books, that gave him the height to reach the ventilator, I squirmed in my place. I couldn't take it after a few seconds, so I rushed out, got him a chair and asked him to use it instead. He gave me a puzzled look when I went to on to explain that books represent knowledge and more or less Godliness. After all these years, he still remembers that and mentioned it to me when I met him in one of the social networks.

- ''Oh my God, I did not know you were so fair": hehehe, I think it will be generations before desis get the importance of fair complexion out of their heads. Everytime I go on a vacation to a warm place and come back tanned, all my colleagues are jealous of my ''beautiful tan'' as they call it while amma tells me on the phone with a sigh ''ennadi ipdi karuthu poita....''......hehehe......

Something that keeps/kept nagging me:

Why were both his parents in a Govt. Hospital ? The reason I ask this Q is because everyone from India knows that you cannot trust a Govt. Hospital for treatment especially, in case of life or death situations - bitter truth. I personally know of no family member who has been in a Govt. hospital for treatment and I come from an average middle-class family. So why are his parents, with 5 sons, probably at least a couple with income, in a cockroach ridden hospital ? Did they insist on going there themselves ? Were there no other choices available in the vicinity ? I don't know but I would really like to know.

On another note, Govt. hospital staff being overworked and Govt. insurance lagging behind private medical facilities is becoming an issue not just in developing countries but also in developed countries; both encouraging medical tourism for those who can afford it while the others are left to their destiny. I have been reading a lot on this topic, will bring them together to publish a post.

Anyway, I did not intend to ramble on so much but once I start, its always difficult to stop. Take all the good values from his speech, spread them, implement them......to kiss the world, you should first imbibe the world as yours :) !

Sowmya padum padu !

Indha Sowmya padara padu irukke......no, no, not me, like amma says enna padutha innorthar porandhu varanum (get her double-meaning ?)....I am talking about my poor name.....

There are quite a few desi versions - Soumya, Sowmiya, Soumiya none of which I like mainly because its not ''my'' name, I have grumbled about this before. The trouble was only with people misspelling my name then and then, I came to Germany.....and Sowmya became Sonja !

Sonja (j is pronounced as y here) is a very familiar name here and since ''y'' in German is pronounced with the ''u'' sound, calling someone ''sowmua'' is quite difficult, so people usually take the easier alternative....well, I made my peace with it.

Then someone realised that Sonja was not my name (phew...momentary...) and attempted to use my real name, hence was born Somya and her little offspring, Somi (like I said, momentary).

Well, its not over yet, there was another surprise in store for me - even desis cannot get my name right !! How so ? When I grew up, I thought every third girl was named Sowmya. Some north Indians call me Somina, Somayya and I am thinking ''how, how, how ! Isn't Sowmya a sanskrit word ??!''

I am so glad my last name is Gopal, everyone can say it (although some say Go Pal, as in a friend), spell it and since last name is more commonly used in Europe, its so easy for me to make telephonic reservations !

If you are wondering why I am writing such a completely vetti post, its because I want to get this out of my system before I shout at someone.....I usually think to myself - What's in a name ? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet (konjam over than, I know :D) but today I was called Soymya....and for the sake of my name, I have to draw the line somewhere, right ? After all, my parents did spend time choosing it, effort in registering it and money in an elaborate Namagaranam !

Statutory Warning: Comments calling me Semia or suggesting other funny versions of my name will be rejected.

Arranged Marriage - A Dying System ?

If you are from India, you would obviously have a knowing smile on your face when you read the title. If you are not, then let me explain arranged marriage for you - simply put, like the word says, everything is arranged from ''boy meets girl'' to ''I do''. If you are wondering, why anyone would want to do that, well, there are a lot of good reasons behind it and you would be amazed at how well it works most of the time....errr...how well it worked most of the time.

So why this sudden confusion ? What is happening to the age old system ? India is evolving....much faster than many can cope with and the system suffers....in every step.

STEP 1: THE HUNT BEGINS

The girl's parents are always proactive about beginning the search for a suitable groom. The age at which this begins vastly depends on the economic and social background of the family as well as the caste. It can vary anywhere between 18-25.

Yesterday: It starts with a simple word-of-mouth propaganda, most likely at some wedding. The girl might not even be aware of it and only when her amma insists on her wearing a sari and getting all dressed up does she get the first inkling of ''something'' going on. At the end of the wedding, one ends up with at least a few possible leads. Key qualifications for the groom would mostly be having a govt. job, good habits and preferably in the same city.

Today: It starts with a creation of a matrimony profile. The problem starts right with who should create the profile, what should and what shouldn't be in it; right from the photo to hobbies, everything is painstakingly checked and entered and checked. Some less-technology-friendly people place ads right from the Hindu to the Mylapore times. Key qualifications include a masters degree, 6 figure salary and preferably not in the same country !

Confusion:

- Girls and boys today have a different/definite opinion on when they should get married. Most of them want to start working and be on their ''own'' for a while before they even want to start thinking about marriage. But parents start their homework as soon as their kids get the placement order.

- The younger generation flees at the mention of a prospect in a wedding. They are there for some harmless flirting (mostly) and fun; they are not interested in getting ''hooked'' or being judged by the propect's near and extended family members. Parents, understandably, are completely baffled by this behaviour.

- When it comes to the matrimony profile, parents insist on creating one themselves and they love to use words like ''homely, adaptable'' for the girl and insist on her uploading pics in a pattu sari for the benefit of the groom's parents. The girl on the other hand, is more interested in making a good impression on the guy, who probably knows the dictionary meaning of homely and is least interested in what he thinks is a ''mami-type-girl''.

STEP 2: FILTERING

Deciding on the filtering criteria is probably where everyone is at cross roads.

Yesterday: Choices are few, preferences are fewer. The top picks are usually from families that the groom's parents considered most compatible.

Today: Choices still are few, list of preferences is endless though. Parents worry about the family, girl worries about guy's hair, job, location, salary, habits, past relationships, fluency in English,......etc., etc., etc.;guy worries about girl's figure, hair, job, location, past relationships, views on feminism,.....etc., etc.

Confusion:

- Parents are frustrated with their kids trying to figure out the compatibility factor. Isn't there such a thing called compromise or adjust ? Their kids though are looking for soul mates !

- Kids can not and do not explain their requirements to parents. The older one gets, the more judgmental one becomes. A girl getting married at 21 definitely has fewer expectations than one getting married at 25 because in those 4 years, she has met and interacted with many more people and has let go of a part of ignorance/innocence that was with her at 21. The same argument holds good for a guy too.

STEP 3: HOROSCOPE MATCHING

For those not familiar with this, the process refers to comparing the horoscopes of the girl and the guy to figure out what the astronomical signs has in store for both of them (very similar to the zodiac sign column that claims libra with virgo is complicated while libra with scorpio apparently spells trouble....kadavule...)! This turns out to be one of the easiest filtering criterion for the forthcoming steps.

Most families choose an auspicious day to take the horoscopes to the temple, pray that the process goes on smoothly, before they take it to the josiyar (astrologer).

Yesterday: The horoscopes are posted to families, typically in an envelope with manjal and kungumam in each of its corners. A family astrologer compares the horoscopes and rates them on a scale of 1-10 (with 10 being the best). As far as I know, anything better than 6 is ok.

Today: Horoscopes are sent mostly via email, sometimes via fax and rarely via post. Family astrologer says 6, neighbourhood astrologer says 8, online horoscope matching services say 4, groom doesn't care about it, girl believes in Zodiac signs, indha nal iniya nal* says its not a good time to even think about horoscope matching !

Do I have to explain the confusion separately ?!

STEP 4: PENN PARKUM PADALAM (boy meets girl)

Once the horoscope matching gives the green light, the process shifts to the next gear and the families start talking.

Yesterday: Everyone agrees on an auspicious day and the groom and his family are invited to the bride's house or to a suitable location close to the bride's house. The magnitude of the occasion, the number of people present, the location, how the bride is dressed up, how many kilos of Gold she is wearing, what she is asked to do, what is on the menu, what kind of interaction are the groom and bride permitted to have are all based once again on the caste and economic as well as social background of both the families.

Typically, the bride brings in coffee, serves snacks to the groom and his family and is gawked at during this time. She may further be induced to exhibit her talent (or the lack of it as the situation may be) by singing and/or playing an instrument. This is followed by the families talking to one another about wedding expenses and dowry while the bride and groom, if they are lucky, have a few moments of privacy, to judge each other.

For the bride and groom, it is in the least official sight-adichufying (gawking) !

On another note, I have two favorite scenes in this category -one from ''Thooral ninnu pochu'' (I couldn't find the whole scene in youtube, but here some bits and pieces - Part 1 and Part 2) and other from ''Mayi''.

Today: The families pass on the email-id of the girl to the guy and vice versa. First, formal emails are exchanged. Depending on this communication, a chat session is set up, after accounting for hectic work schedules and time differences. Both are online - one waits for the other to ping and usually, the guy gives in first. After the first chat session, decision is made as to meet again in chat or in the best case, exchange phone numbers to call each other. In between all this, parents get one line updates about how the whole thing is going on.

If the phone calls go on well, a place to meet is fixed, usually a mall or a coffee shop. This first meeting makes or breaks the alliance. If however, there is a slight doubt, a subsequent second meeting is arranged. The families meet for an official ''penn parkum padalam'' if and only if both parties have already made up their mind. In this case, it is pretty informal. Girl and guy get to sight adichufy, azadu vazhinjify (gawking and drooling) as much as they want.

Confusion:

- Parents lose patience when their daughter/son is chatting and talking with a guy/girl for months without reaching any decision whatsoever ! chumma kadala podardha amma appa epdi othupa (parents simply don't understand flirting)?! Their BP shoots up when their daughter/son is actually talking to multiple people with each prospect being in a different stage of scrutiny. Thanks to VoIP that people are not going bankrupt during this process !

- Girls/guys today are either not desperate or do not want to seem desperate (even if they are), so they take their own sweet time in moving from one step to another. But parents are desperate, they want this nerve-wrecking process to end and they keep dreaming of a wedding.

STEP 5: YES OR NO

After ''boy meets girl'', a decision is arrived at and is communicated to the family.

Yesterday: Yes or no decision lies with the parents. The girl/guy might add their 2 cents, if permitted. In most cases, abject filial obedience is extended. The decision is usually communicated by word-of-mouth by a person known to both families or via a letter.

Today: Making the decision and choosing when to make the decision is in the hands of the girl/guy in most cases. Parents are left to communicate the ''no'' by means of an embarassing phone call while the ''yes'' is usually communicated by the girl/guy in very creative ways !

Confusion:

- The younger generation argues ''There are a 1000 people out there with all the right qualities. Does it mean I can marry all of them or any of them ?''. But in case of a ''no'', parents are completely irritated with the ''There is no chemistry'' statement. This is just greek and latin to them. They have no clue what exactly this means although they regularly watch all tamil movies !

- Parents hate being left out of the decision making process. Their input is rarely solicited and even when it is, only as information.

So why did arranged marriage work before and why is not working so well today?

Inherent faith and trust in parent's judgement: Children trusted the choices of parents even when they were not completely satisfied with it. They believed with all their hearts that parents live only for their happiness and anything parents do will be for their children's well being. This trust was fuelled by the fact that all prior decisions in their life were also made by their parents - education, job etc.

Today, however, children are leaps and bounds ahead of their parents and they start making their own decisions at a very young age - be it choosing to study for IIT or going for a MBA, they make their own choices and parents are involved in the decision making process purely as a sponsor. When parents hardly place any restrictions on these choices, children assume (very conveniently) the same with regards to choosing a life partner.

Joint families: Living in a joint family instigates a very strong feeling of family over everything. So during a marriage, it is but natural for the requirement that the girl should be compatible not only with her spouse but also with the rest of the family, to take the forefront. Moreover, seeing the success of a number of arranged marriages (of siblings, cousins etc.) within the family boosts the belief in the system.

Today, hardly anyone lives in a joint family. In fact, very few people actually even live with their parents after graduating from school. Many girls/guys meet their families just once a year. So even when they understand that their life partner might not be exactly compatible with their families, they figure that they have to adjust/adapt just for a few days every year.

Age and experience: Young girls and boys hardly spent their lives away from home. People they meet belong to a very small circle. So when it comes to choosing a life partner, they are comfortable in leaving the choice to the experienced parents. Also, getting married at a young age, they have very few expectations since they themselves still would not have figured out what they want from life.

Being on their own, in a hostel or abroad or in a different city for work is very common. This not only expands their outlook about life but they grow to expect. They also start trusting the paradigm ''I know what is best for me''. They do not live in a protected environment and they start mixing with people from all walks of life - different cultures, languages, races, so often that the differences hardly matter at one point, once they figure out a common wavelength. They extend this logic to marriage too.

Values and tolerance: When one grows up with a belief, it becomes a part of oneself and the need for questioning it never arises. For example, the first time I thought about why Hindus have so many Gods was when a German friend asked me about it. Until then, I had accepted it without thinking about it (actually, I still do) ! Filial obedience, respect to elders come what may belong to the same category. Marrying someone of parent's choice and leading a life with him/her was considered a duty. Any problems in it was dealt with, but there never arose a question of breaking away from the duty.

Today, there are people who want to live with each other first to figure out what they are dealing with before committing themselves for a lifetime. There are other ''conservative'' people who prefer to do this on the phone or via chat to know all that is possible about a person before saying ''yes''. Long distance relationships are becoming more and more difficult. The room for compromise is reducing every day. There are problems with both love and arranged marriages but the argument is in the former case, I pay for my mistake (which I can deal with) but in the latter, I pay for my parents' mistake.

So, what is the solution ?

Darwin's theory => survival of the fittest.

For Parents: Remember that your son/daughter is probably meeting at least 5 prospective suitors every day in one way or another and the probability that they fall for one of them is really high. So if you are intent on an ''arranged marriage'' you should bend your rules for them because it is a lot easier for them to choose someone they meet everyday rather than M123456 (no offence, if this is a real id !). Trust them. You want them to be happy with someone, right ? Does it really matter if that someone is not dressed in the way you want or is not familiar with the pujas you do ? Give them time, they will learn it, for you, just for you, for accepting them into the family !

For Children: Remember that your parents have a lot of dreams about you and your wedding, probably right from the day you were born. They grew up in a different India, give them time to understand your needs, don't push it down their throats. If they can understand time difference, learn to work with computers, hook up the internet to login to yahoo or gtalk and fumble with the webcam, just to get a glimpse of you and to talk to you for a few minutes, can you/your partner not make an effort to fall in with their ways ?

A lot of love, a bit of respect and an iota of diplomacy and tact should do the job. Vazhga, Valarga (Live long and prosper) !

Disclaimer 1: If you are a staunch believer in the idea of an arranged marriage, please do not be offended by this post. I have only jotted down my thoughts from all the different experiences and stories I have heard and seen.

Disclaimer 2: Kudugalama irukara kudumbathula kummi adikarthathuku illa indha post. Chumma thoninatha ezhudi irukken, idha parthutu oru payyano ponno love marriage panninda, appas/ammas phonela thittu vangikaren, blogla vendam.....bad for the rep :D ! This is just food for thought, don't blame the blog or the author for your decision.

Copyright for pictures:

1. Just married hindi movie

2. Tamilmatrimony.com

3. http://www.planetarypositions.com

4. sundaytango.livejournal.com

Mass heart attack ?!

I read this article and while I was reading it, I still couldn't believe what I was reading !

To a certain extent, I can understand people dying out of shock but this kind of mass heart attack still makes me wonder if its not defeating the whole purpose of YSR's efforts - what is the point of the welfare schemes he introduced if the beneficiaries are not even alive to enjoy it ?

For those people who committed suicide or immolated themselves, I have absolutely no sympathy. If there are foolish enough not to realise that life is precious, if they are naive enough not to realise that even if the person is gone, his good deeds make him live on and the only way to see him is to enjoy the fruits of his labour and pass on the torch to the next generation, then nobody can help them. It is in times like these that I understand why taking one's life is against the law !

I have also learnt from numerous ''helpful'' movies that in some cases, the self-immolation is not necessarily ''self'-created''. Even if that is the case, why do the villain-like-politicians believe that people will consider him/her popular or rather become popular when a dozen die this way ?

Why does this happen only in India (I may be wrong about this, if so, do let me know) ? Are we really a bunch of sentimental fools like it has been pointed out many times? Can we actually put this loyalty to better use than simply dying ?

When I see people here going crazy, screaming and sometime even tearing their clothes at a rock concert, I pity them and think to myself ''God help them'' but I think even those people are not crazy enough to die for a rock star or a celebrity or a philanthropist.

I don't understand and I don't think I want to either.....

Thou shall speak only when spoken to

BMJP = big mouthed jobless person, not close family members or friends who are allowed to take liberties (albeit unwelcome at times, still forgivable because of the underlying concern)

Situation 1: A couple who has been married for 5 years have no children. They are attending a wedding.

BMJP 1: Did you go to a fertility clinic? I can give you addresses of a couple of really good ones
BMJP 2: This is what comes out of always working towards money. You should understand that there is nothing more rewarding than having children.
BMJP 3: andha kalathula ellam purusha mattum dhan velai parpa, adhe madhri irundhuta oru prechanayum irundhurukadhu.

My questions to the BMJPs:
How in the world is this your business??
If all you have is concern and if your intentions are (seemingly) noble, is this how you choose to express it? Are you actually brain-dead?
For BMJP 3: Neenga ipdi vettiya irukardhunala dhan ungalukku ipdi ellam kelvi kekanumnu thonardhu, mudhala andha TV serial ellam pakardha niruthi tholaingo ! (There is another blog that completely echoes my thoughts on this subject).

What actually happened:
The girl was 20 when she got married. Her husband, a sensible person, decided that 20 was not an age to have kids and made her opt for higher studies and then a job. Since she has just now started working and going on maternity leave during probation is not a good idea, they are still waiting for the right time to start a family.

Situation 2: A young single girl in her early 20s has suddenly gained a lot of weight. She is attending a birthday party.

BMJP 1: My friend is looking for a suitable bride for her son. I thought of suggesting you to him but he is a fitness freak…..long awkward pause with ‘ohh…you are so fat’ expression
BMJP 2: I still remember how pretty you looked in Ram’s wedding in that yellow sari….audible sigh….
BMJP 3: ennadi ivalo gundu adichuta ?

My questions to the BMJPs:
If you are really concerned about finding her a groom, is this how you broach the topic?
Have you heard of adding salt to the wound? You are just a tweak away from sadism.
For BMJP 3: Idhu unga maramandaike uraikardhuna, ava daily kannadi pakara, avulukku theriyadha ??

What actually happened:
The girl had a severe personal shock, resulted in a serious medical condition and is taking a lot of medication. The medicine is affecting both her diet and metabolism drastically.

Situation 3: A college graduate is going to Australia for his higher studies. He is having a farewell party.

BMJP 1: I saw in yesterday's news that 3 people were hurt in racist attacks. Are you sure you still want to go ?
BMJP 2: Australian degrees are not recognised anywhere. Why are you going there ?
BMJP 3 (to his mother): nethiku kooda andha oorla ratha kalariya rendu studentsa TVla kaatina, ennamo po....

My questions to the BMJPs:
Do you realise they have a TV at home and they are not deaf and blind ?
You do know that the person who has to worry about the degree is actually the one who is going to study and telling him this in his farewell party is not going to offer an iota of help, right ? If you don't then you are just too dumb.
For BMJP 3: romba shemam, payyan oorku poranenu kavala padara amma kitta indha vishayam kandippa sollanum !

What actually happened:
The guy has contacts in Australia who give him up-to-date information and he is game for any surprises.

Golden rules of Thumb:

- MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS; trust me, it’s a good thing at times.
- Speak only when spoken to. Otherwise keep your suggestions and flashes of genius to yourself.
- Stop stating the obvious, especially when its painful. Please do not give me the ‘truth is bitter/better’ routine here.
- Above all, be kinder than necessary for everyone you meet is fighting an unspoken battle.

Obviously, I am venting...not because someone did this to me, I usually do not let people get away with impertinence. I let them have it and I have no qualms about doing so. If their age demands respect, then they better act their age. In the past, I have left one open mouthed by saying '500 thousand euro' with the utmost conviction when this person asked me about my salary and another dumbstruck by saying 'payyan nethiku dhan school poga arambichan' when one busybody wanted to know when I was going to have kids, 6 months after my wedding.

I am frustrated because someone is inevitably doing it to my near and dear ones, those who are either too hurt or too tired to respond.

I am not against those offering to help, but surely neither of those BMJP questions fall into expressing concern or caring for someone. There are some things that should definitely change in India - taking undue liberty (asking about marriage, kids, salary), violating someone's privacy and above all, hurting someone's feelings. This is not just due to generation gap (that can get some benefit of doubt), but I have seen insane questions come from people in our generation; educated, well informed people, who are and should supposedly be aware of the dos and donts.

On the other hand, I would also encourage those who are subjected to these BMJP questions into adopting a 'Like-I-am-bothered' atittude or laughing it off or letting them know that such questions are not welcome. These people and their questions are not worth any of your time or tears - they are far too precious.

Venus Vs Mars

I got this forward from a friend and since it has been going around for years, you have most likely seen it.

Rules for Women:

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever

1. Crying is blackmailing.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 24 hours.

1. It is genetic for us to look at women. Just deal with it.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

I should ideally respond with rules for men, eh? But women really dont make them because we know men never even attempt to hear them leave alone following ! Perhaps a few suggestions and thoughts.....

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever - if u dont want us to do it, u shouldn't either => messing up with ur mush or goatie or watever !

1. Crying is blackmailing. - you stop drooling and we'll stop crying !!

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! - If you dont mind us saying "can you get out now??" rather than "I guess I have to finish my work now", then its fine with us !

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand. - When you know all about the cricketer that captained his team to a Ranji trophy in 2007 or what Ambani is up to, is it that difficult to remember a couple of dates involving the person you say you "care" for? Have you ever thought about how happy you could make her by actually remembering at least one?

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,all comments become null and void after 24 hours.

if(stupidThingNotRepeated){
nullAndVoid(pozhachupo);
}
else
{
payForIt(adapaavi);
}

1. It is genetic for us to look at women. Just deal with it. - It is genetic for us to be possessive. Just deal with it and the glaring and the screaming !!

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. - Then for God's sake, dont tell us that you want to try your hand at cooking, please !! aprum asai mattum dhan irukkum....dosai, apalam,vadai edhuvum irukadhu !

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. - When stranded in a Dutch speaking country, not knowing where to go at midnight, we dont mind your "know-it-all" act as long as u at least allow us to ask for directions !

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. - We are mind readers and you can never get away with your lying ! so simply, speak the truth ! Our mind-reading ability is proof of how much we know and care about you.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. – Then why do you complain when we shop for hours, obviously we can see in 2²⁴ colors !


1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. - You should know that the longer you wait, the powerful the ''nothing'' becomes, be warned that it is an exponential series.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. – oh you poor thing, have you still not understood that we patiently listen to such topics only to use it as a bait to take you shopping or to a wedding ?

1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape. – can you deal with it if we follow the same logic?

Disclaimer: All the above mentioned are real and nothing imaginary! Anything resembling anyone is totally intentional!

I hope you had a good laugh….and that brings us to the interesting point of how men being from Mars and women being from Venus make life really exciting; it would just be too boring if every man did what his woman expects of him and viceversa, right ? oh..well...live and let live :D !

Disclaimers

My Orkut Fortune for the day: What we think, we become (Please don't think you are a superhero and don't try to fly)

I couldn't help laughing thinking about how disclaimers have become an integral part of our life. what does this go to show ?

....that people are dumb enough to do such things (like believing one can fly) ?

....that they are dumber to blame others for it ?

....that people would rather give disclaimers than deal with these no-grey-cells people ?

I understand explaining terms of liability for a product or service you pay for because as a customer you are entitled to have certain privileges for the money you pay and its important to be clear what those privileges actually are but when I read disclaimers in help forums and blogs (including mine) I cannot but wonder if ''pointing fingers'' logic has stooped so low that no one can get by without disclaimer !

Let me give everyone the benefit of doubt and assume that the people who do use disclaimers are so worried about other people misunderstanding what they said/offered and that they want to spare the people the trouble of realising too late that they made a mistake...well, that is a happy and positive thought I can live with !

Disclaimer: I have nothing against disclaimers :D !

Second place counts !

I just finished watching the grand finale of ''India's Got Talent'' and I am really happy with the choice for the first and second places although I believe the third place was mainly due to the home advantage (many votes from Mumbaites for a Mumbai based group) than talent...anyway I am digressing....I will have another post just about the show.

The third place winners had their moment of glory and then there were 2 groups to choose from and the tension runs high.....one doesn't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that revealing any one of the two places actually concludes announcing the results since the other place is automatically implied.

The hosts chose to announce the first place and naturally the winners deserved to rejoice after all the hardwork and hours of practice, not to mention their hopes and dreams coming alive with a price money of 50 Lakhs and a Maruti ka shandhar Gadi (like Nikhil reminded us a million times) Ritz...they were overjoyed, the got a standing ovation and glitter falling on them from the cieling of the magnificent set.

And all along, the group that probably missed out on winning the show by a few votes stands quietly in the background...their moment in the limelight is gone since the thunder was stolen by the winners and all they got was a bike worth 50K (how can you have a factor of 100 between prizes for the first 2 places ?! Its like having platinum and thagara dappa (Tin) medals in the Olympics !)...nobody seemed to remember that they stood 2nd out of probably 1000s of different contestants from all over India and have gone through gruelling sessions of practice and multiple levels of screening from both the judges and the audience. They deserved an applause even if not a standing ovation to tell them that they did make a mark, to tell them that they deserve to go on, to reach much higher levels ! Clap, clap, clap from me (and probably a few others who did so while watching the show) !

Exactly the same thing happened in the ''Super Singer'' show (and God knows it went on for years!)....while both Renu (third place) and Ajesh (the winner) had a round of appreciation, all Ravi (second place) got was a pat on the back with everyone moving towards Ajesh and jumping around him.

When the show has judges, planners, hosts, choreographers and thousands of technicians and all experienced ones at that, would it not occur to one person to point out that the second place counts ?! I sure hope someone does, atleast in the future.

From my side...congrats Ravi !! Great work, ''Lok Manya Tilak Sanskrutik Gnyas'' !! Here is my salute to your talent and I wish with all my heart that you go places !

Images are from google search (Indya.com and oneknightstands.net)